from Frankenstein. So this is how I, too, feel at times-

I had admired the perfect forms of my cottagers- their grace, beauty, and delicate complexions: but how was I terrified, when I viewed myself in a transparent pool! At first I started back, unable to believe that it was indeed I who was reflected in the mirror; and when I became fully convinced that I was in reality the monster that I am, I was filled with the bitterest sensations of despondence and mortification. Alas! I did not yet entirely know the fatal effects of this miserable deformity.

I am really just poking fun at myself for those of you who are concerned : P

I had a great day today, then I got some bad news from China. I got to sleep in this morning, and when I woke up, the sun was already up. It looked like the summer outside my window, although I have already plugged in my little heater. It was a little windy today, but the swaying trees looked cheerful in the brightness of the day. I had toast with almond/hazelnut butter, some yogurt and a cup of black coffee, watched the view which educated me on black women and their hair today, took a shower, then went and saw Patricia. It was a great session. We both beamed at the mention of the great weather. She told me her traveling plans, we talked about me which is always good. 

After Patricia, I got some take out food (spicy tuna on rice) and went home. I ate my lunch, sat in the sun room with a cup of tea with squinty eyes. Fifi came and clawed at my leg for attention. I patted her. Then I went to steveston to hunt for seafood, and by hunt, I meant, walk into a shop, ask if they had lobster tails, ahi tuna and scallops and pay for them if they were available. That I did. 

Then back to the sun room with tea. Jeff called to complain more about his infectious teeth and how he has not been able to eat for an entire week now and how he worries his teeth will not heal in time for thanksgiving… I made some sarcastic comments, he announced he was tired of me and we said goodbye. We did make plans to have French food despite the unpleasantry we exchanged. He is delighted that I am no longer vegan. Now he could share butter with me. 

After that I met up with Mark ( yes it has been a day with no work, but I did just put two hours into school work). It felt especially good to see him today. I’ve been secretly worrying that I have lost my ability to articulate myself, but I found myself quite articulate when I talked with Mark so that was a big relief. Although… I’ve gotta talk to other people, too, so maybe I shouldn’t feel relieved so fast… We talked about his new person, my person, our school stuff… It’s always nice to catch up with him.

When I got home I changed the water for Bonnie and Donna. Anthony walked in in his underwear and showed off his new and improved body since he’s been on a diet/exercise regime. We talked for a bit about some wildly interesting stuff that I cannot disclose here. When Anthony left, I called the lips. We talked for awhile, and when we hung up, I decided to ring dad up. I’ve been wanting to talk to him all day and I never call him. The last time I called him was probably when I was in a flood of tears after a breakup. Anywho, I really wanted to call him so I did. 

And that was when he told me he needed to talk to someone. 

I have total faith in him and it is crystal clear to me that he is exactly where he needs to be in his journey. 

Now I am sitting in the lips’ bed. He’s not home yet, I think i am going to sleep now.

I want to tell you something. Something I want you to remember and keep it in your heart for all your days to come. I want to tell you to fall away. Don’t be scared of failing. Don’t be scared of being wrong. Don’t be scared of falling. Fall away. Just do, without regards of consequences and do, without expectations of outcomes. You have no time for fears. So leap, fall away and again. That is how I want you to do.

I have spent an entire day deleting words on the computer, throwing out stories and now staring at the blank word document. I am extremely pained. This is the stare for the short fiction class. Later tonight, I will do the stare for the poetry class. Lord, my eyes.

School’s starting to get really busy, so I won’t be updating here as much. And hopefully by the end of this term, I will become a better writer (with bulging eyeballs I am sure). Sigh sigh..

It is a sunny sunday afternoon. I am a little bit sad, and very tired. In about 15 minutes I am going to walk out of the lips’ apartment and head to IGA… a pistachio lemon cake is on the dinner menu tonight, if I could muster up enough energy to do some egg beating and flour mixing. 

We all went out for dim sum for lunch earlier today, then I dropped Dad off at the airport. It all seemed a bit overwhelming to me. Sunday Dim Sum (an hour of waiting for the table, and the mind numbing noises in the restaurant), the muffled but distinct feeling of Dad’s soon to be absence, his tears upon saying goodbye to Fion… I wanted to be somewhere quiet, with no sound, and no colors. 

Watching them is heart wrenching for me in so many ways… but I don’t want to think about it. I’ll buy baking powder, eggs, lemon, ground almond. I will beat the eggs with avocado oil, and mix the dry ingredients with the wet. I will oil the pan, pour the mixture in. I will wait until the cake rises, and the apartment smells like baked love. And I will let the cake sit until it cools down… Then I will eat it with the lips… and I will be ok.