Giving Up

Even though it was still warm and sunny out today, I could feel that it is the tail end of our very short summer. The trees are changing colours already, however slightly, the greens are fading and the yellow slowly spreads. Tabitha and I met up to go watch a movie together. I love where I live and how everything is within walking distance. The fifth ave cinema used to be a long drive away, now, 15 minutes walking distance. I love that little old cinema and the coffee shop around the corner from it.

The theatre was too crowded so we decided to walk to Michael’s (30 minutes away). She said I have regressed, and I felt a little embarrassed. There’s so much resistance and control I am generating, it makes a mess of my emotional world. I want to choose differently. I want to sit gracefully with my discomfort, instead of figuring out ways around it.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I am so tired. I don’t know why I am so agitated. What I know is that, it really doesn’t matter. I can choose to react, or not. I’ve been reacting. It is an involuntary movement. But now I sit with myself consciously, and I choose to be still.

Things are always changing, always shifting. I cannot make the summer leaves stay green more than I can stop the wind from blowing. I do love the golden colours of the fall. I do love it when dry leaves caress the pavement in the wind. The notion of “control” has always been an illusion. So just relax, sit back and enjoy the changing, shifting weathers.

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