Aug 23, 2011
August 23rd, 2011 § Leave a Comment
My heart is in a million pieces, excuse the cliche. I don’t even know where to begin to count the cracks. I have been so weak, so tired, and exerting so much to have fun with my beloved sister, and now I sit, Sabrina-less, sad and exhausted.
My house is a mess. Empty shopping bags slouch here and there, dirty cups and bowls sit on my coffee table and dinning table, anywhere but the sink and cabinets where they belong. The fresh flowers I bought wilted and made a pool of petals on the floor. I have no will to clean. So let’s take this as an opportunity to practice equanimity-I shall remain calm and grounded in the midst of this horrid mess.
I am going back to school. Nothing has been done yet. I have not yet registered. My appointment with an educational advisor is next week but I know what I am going to do. Kwantlen is launching its creative writing major this fall and I will graduate with a creative writing major. I will return to school more present, grounded, confident and disciplined. And maybe by the time I turn 30, I will finally get my bachelor’s degree!
I am not ashamed at all. Ya, lots of people are on my case for taking so long, but I have been busy. There were parts of me that were more in need of development. It’s hard to explain to people how scared I was. There’s a general sense of safety “normal” people feel that I never felt. It’s hard to explain what it feels like to walk around with raw skin. Hard to explain what it feels like to have no parent to count on and run to when the world didn’t make sense. Hard to explain how unsure I was with the world when someone I loved more than anything else in the world who was just sleeping in the bed next to me the night before, died. And it’s hard to explain what it feels like to shift from one culture to another, and then another, with no language, no Mom, no Dad, and one very depressed stepmother.
I am not making excuses. I am simply saying I was preoccupied with some minor tweaking of the personality.
I am a much stronger version of who I used to be. I don’t want to be just a loving soul, I want to be a loving, beautiful, functional soul that carries my talents out through practical tools. I am ready.
