08.30.09
For NiuNiu
Ta Da! Finito!
I painted this for Christina. It’s got a very simple design but it was a lot of work. A few years ago Christina and i impulsively got a pair of hearts tattooed together. She got hers on her foot and I got them on my neck. So the hearts symbolize our friendship.
08.29.09
A Perfectly Busy Unproductive Day
Just looked at the clock and I was surprised that it is already nearing 11 at night. What have I been doing all day that time just flew by???? I have been completely alone all day, aside from a few exchanges of words with Anthony, some emailing and some text messaging with the lips. Was going to make Jeff a fantastic meal, but very unfortunate for him, he had to cancel for someone’s going away party. Anyways, so yes, I spent a whole Saturday alone.
About an hour of the day I spent getting acquainted with my guitar again. This friendly reintroduction came to an end when my fingers could no longer take the pain. At around four thirty I started walking out to Rogers and grocery shop. I love walking, especially in this weather. Even though I take the same route every time, there’s always something new to be discovered, like the flowers I saw today. They looked like roses, but bigger, their bright yellow petals have a vibrant orange brim and they were stunning. I would have never seen them had I been driving.
Oh Figs
When I walked in the produce store, the fragrance from of all the fruits and vegetables permeated the air. And all the colors! First I got some blueberries (of course). I still have lots of the frozen ones, but I’d like some fresh blueberries : ) Then I grabbed some tomatoes. They were so plump and red, and they looked so fresh on the stems. Next was the figs! I had just tried fresh figs for the first time in my life the other day with Eric and I liked it so much. It’s hard to explain how I feel about the figs… I have lived 27 years without knowing this fruit at all! It is like a fruit from outer space and therefore, when I saw them at the produce store, I just had to get them. And, the ones I got were the green kind, the ones Eric gave me were purple. They are so delicious. I gave some to Anthony to spread the joy and it was his first time trying the fruit, too! Although I have to say, the excitement was not mutual… what is wrong with that kid???
Got some grapes, they aren’t that exciting. Got some mixed salad, not so exciting, either. Then, I stood in front of the, behold, ORGANIC FUJI APPLES! I had to buy some apples for big dad and I know he likes Fuji. I, on the other hand, have been in a monogamous relationship with the royal gala apples. But because I was shopping for big dad, I stood in front of the organic fuji apples… and they smelled phenomenal! So I bought enough for big dad and some for myself… and I have to say, after trying one, monogamy will no longer satisfy me when it comes to them apples… : P
After the produce store I was on my way home (such is the very exciting grocery shopping trip for a vegan). I wobbled home with two heavy bags of very delicious fruits and vegetables and made myself a killer salad for dinner. And I painted for the rest of the night. This one is for Christina. And now because I haven’t talked to anyone all day, I am on wordpress chatting away. And would you look at it? 11:30, almost time for bed : D It has been a perfectly busy unproductive day and I loved every second of it.
Oh, and I doodled some.
mmmm... things
Good Saturday Morning
Teddy
This is the first Saturday morning I am waking up alone since I have been back. I have, after months, finally gotten used to sharing a bed with someone else. I still wake up earlier than he does, but not by much. I have noticed that between around 6 and 7 in the morning, the early sun lights the room in a creamy yellow hue, almost like it does at sunset. By the time the alarm clock beeps in its threatening manners, the room would have already turned just plain white. I wonder what it’s like waking up from his end. He’d always open his eyes, smile, throw his arm around me, and close his eyes again. This inevitably cures my morning grumpiness.
Yesterday for a couple of hours in the afternoon, I felt worlds apart from… the world. I was anxious and uneasy. School’s starting which always unnerves me. It’s the people, the work, the interacting with the people with the work… all of which I have come to enjoy once things settle down, but they make me jittery in the beginning. And as I am coming real close to graduation, the “what after?” question also creates some anxiety.
And as I felt so disconnected with the world, I asked myself if it was because I feel disconnected from within. There was an unsatisfied energy that bubbled at the core of me. I thought I’d just sit with it. So often I’d try to analyze my every emotion, especially the negative ones. I’d want to figure it out, dissect it, give it a name, give it a cause, in hopes that I’d find a cure for it. It has been the same narrative, and similar stories. So what if I just sit with it and accept that sometimes I am going to feel like crap? Just like sometimes I feel as if I am on top of the world. In the past I have given my emotions so much power and let them be who I am. But I am more than these passing feelings. How could I be just my feelings when I am the one aware of them?
This morning I woke up alone, but I don’t feel so lonely. Outside the birds are chirping, a car would pass by once in awhile, Fifi’s scratching her head at the end of my bed, Donna and Bonnie are swimming leisurely in their fish bowls and I am in bed writing, talking to no one and everyone.
08.28.09
Done and Signed and Proud
Lotus-My Very First Painting
Two or three weeks ago Eric asked me to paint him something for his apartment. I didn’t promise him that I would, then I decided to paint something for him for his birthday. I haven’t painted anything for over three months so when I sat on my carpet with the canvas in front of me and tubes of paint spread out on the floor, I was really excited. And I painted and painted : )
This is the first time I am painting something to gift someone. I was designing it in my head for several days, but at the end I decided to paint the way I always do… paint as I go. It may not look like it to other people, but I seem to always be balancing as I paint, balancing the colors, balancing the composition… I am so happy that he asked me to do this for him. I had forgotten how much I enjoy painting. It really is one of the very few things in this world that… distills me… like a meditation… it really helps me stay focus. Actually, I am never all that focused during meditations : P but when I paint, I am.
I have also never taken so long to paint anything. I have always been quite impatient when it comes to creating. When I cook, I never choose recipes that require longer than an hour (except when baking, then it’s all worth it!). When I write, I write like… bullets, hehe… could this have something to do with the fact that I am always writing right before the deadline? maybe… and whenever I paint, I always paint in one sitting. Everything is always done within one sitting. Instant gratification has always been how I like my… gratifications.
But I painted differently this time. I did it in several different sittings. I painted, let it stand there, looked at it, left it for a few days, asked Anthony what I should add to it, painted some more, looked at it for a few more days, and repeat.
I finished it today and signed at its corner. It is like my other work, juvenile… but I am not ashamed to give it to him because I had really put in some effort, some attention, and some love into the painting.
And this experience has made me want to paint more. Actually, Christina had seen the painting and asked me for it! I was really so happy when she did and I almost gave it to her : P because I wasn’t even sure if Eric would like it. But I told her I’d rather paint her something knowing that it’s going to be a gift for her. So I do have another project lining up : )
I so wish I could be good at things… like, super skilled, master of the craft kind of good. Hopefully one day, I could be an awesome painter, a great photographer, an amazing guitarist, and a professional writer. But for now, I am just grateful I have so many things that I LOVE doing.
08.27.09
Some Thoughts~
I think Vancouver people are stunning in the summer, especially the women. I love looking at their different outfits. Their skin glow under the sun. But then again, maybe people just naturally look more beautiful in weather like this… with our sky so brilliantly blue, grass so green and different color flowers blossoming in every corner.
I am constantly amazed at how many stunning women there are out there. I think women are probably the most beautiful art in the world… if there is such a thing. Eric tells me I am gorgeous, and I think I am reasonably good looking… but I never look at myself with the same appreciation as I do other women. I wish I could, once in awhile, turn my own head(hm?), take my own breath away, and see myself as the stunning women I am seeing everywhere.
Although I have to say, I haven’t cared much about my looks lately. Not that I have let myself go, it just hasn’t been a very consuming factor in my life of late… though it did sting today when Jess called me, “rotten face”… I kindly reminded her that I have never made fun of her face ONCE in our lives together and she said, “but I never get to make fun of your skin, I must savor this moment…. ROTTEN FACE!” And when I dropped her off at home, she whispered those words to me again…. bitch.
Anyways, as I was saying, I haven’t been really consumed with the way I look lately. I’ve been thinking more about how I could be more independent… financially. I mean, school’s starting soon and I will be taking five classes this term, so I don’t think I am going to work. But when I do, FINALLY graduate, I’d really like to work and support myself : ) And the more I think about it, the more I think I could do it.
I would also like to go travel on my own… without the family. I have lived my entire life being… not entirely me. The things I have done, experiences I have, ways I live… so many of them are not chosen by me. I am not complaining because god knows I am grateful for everything. But I think I am ready to embark on a different journey now. I think I am ready to be fully me.
I was doing an inventory of my life today in my head… this was done probably with a bit of bias as the weather was brilliant, there was a half moon in the pink and purple sky. It’s hard to not be filled with bliss in times like this. So I counted and decided that I have an amazing life. I have an amazing family with countless members (one of the advantages of being Chinese, or disadvantage depending on the weather I guess…) who are loving, wise, unconditionally supportive and fully indulgent of me. I have many close friends who I am so proud of. I am in a relationship with a gorgeous man who loves me as I am, but inspires me to grow. I am relatively intelligent, relatively attractive, relatively healthy, relatively talented and relatively and occasionally witty ; ) I have a dog with her tongue permanently hanging out on the side of her mouth who adores me. I haven’t had to worry about making a living so I could choose to do what I am really passionate about… I mean, I am really damn lucky.
I am prone to being quite self critical… but I’d like to remind myself of how great my life is. Being grateful is how we manifest more things to be grateful for, i am sure of this : )
08.18.09
The Heart Beats
Changed water for Bonnie and Donna yesterday. The water is so clean it looks as if they are swimming midair. I had considered moving the fishbowls around, but somehow I am quite convinced that they’ll be lonely if they don’t get to see each other.
Donna & Bonnie
So I think I’ve been seeing the same butterfly the past few days. She’s white with a tint of yellow in her. She does this same routine in the backyard: she flutters and dances on the grass, then flutters and circles around this particular pink flower, then she flutters out of my sight only to come back a few minutes later with the same routine.
Everything else in the garden seems to stand still except for this butterfly with her drunken flight. Under the sun, against the loud green grass, she leaves a brief trail in the air. And why am I writing about her? I am not sure… (this is where I shrug, another incident where I find my shoulder to be quite useful ; ).
I could write about the black dog I saw this afternoon when I walked out to return some dvds. He was breathtakingly handsome, muscular and I caught it in mid-stretch/yawn. But why do I write about him? (and as long as we are asking questions, how am I assigning genders to them? I guess I have revealed myself to be quite primitive when it comes to sexes…)
Or maybe I should write about Whitman, who I read again one morning when big lips were still sound asleep, who moved me to tears… It was a long song, but boy did he sing.
I might as well write about my most recent indulgence, Leonard Cohen, poet, novelist, singer…. poet. When he sings Dance Me to the End of Love… sigh…
The butterfly will fly amidst flowers.
Plath
Did you know that Sylvia Plath was gorgeous? I found images of her on google. She was pretty and soft like a flower. You wouldn’t know this from hearing her read Daddy. Oh, but I do love hearing her read that poem. She sounds so wildly crazy it gives me goose-bumps.
One of my favorite poems of hers…
I am Vertical
But I would rather be horizontal
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one’s longevity and the other’s daring.
Tonight, in the infinitesimal light of the stars,
The trees and flowers have been strewing their
cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them-
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers
have time for me.
