Love seems to be the theme lately. And I wonder if it’s even necessary analyzing it so much. It must be, or else why am I here writing about it, and trying to make sense out of it? I don’t like myself when there are things I can’t love about a person. My idea of love is idealized. I know this is wrong. When I love someone, I see them as perfect and in a way, we all are. But as human, we are all flawed and when the initial rush passes, these flaws surface, but I don’t know what to make of them. I worry if I don’t see you as perfect, that means I no longer love you. Does it sound awfully stupid? Well, I am. 

This must be why there are parts of me I disallow. I have a primitive, unexamined and rigid idea of being “good”. I know I am striving for it almost constantly, consciously and unconsciously. I so very ignorantly believe that I have to be good to be loved. And I look at you and wonder if I could love you if you are not at least trying to be good 100% of the time. I know this is absurd… 

But now that I am looking at what I just wrote, I completely disagree with it. How could that even be remotely close to the truth? if that is the case, then I can’t love anybody because none of us is all good, or all bad. So… if we don’t have to be good to be loved, what do we have to be? Does love just occur? Is it how I make you feel that makes you love me? What if I don’t make you feel that way anymore? And if this thing we call “love” fades, is it really love to begin with? I secretly believe that we are meant to love everyone. But what makes you special to me and I unique to you if everyone’s a loved one? And is it normal for me to want to be special to someone? 

You see? Words only confuse. I get nowhere with my mind. And while we are at this subject, I would also like to tell you, one of the reasons why I can’t give you an answer is because I have so long been programed to love people. And when someone lets me know they need my love, I rush to them and just pour. So when you ask me for it, my instinct is to give unquestioningly. I don’t want to love you as a response to you wanting my love. It is not real and I don’t want to love like this. So don’t take it personally, but let me love you on my own accord, let me love you because I want to. If I could figure out what love is, that is…