I don’t pretend to understand, but I do empathize. Every loss is different, every relationship unique… but I do know what it feels like to know that you’ll never, ever get to see a loved one again. Some people, myself included, carry on a relationship with their loved ones even after death. But… it is just so strange to think that there will be no more words, eye contacts, touches, smiles, laughters, fights, new memories… it’s just over. 

Mother’s Day went by easily for me. I spent the day with Jeff. I made a note every time I laughed. It’s been a long time. He was his usual sarcastic and energetic self, periodically made fun of me, called me unpleasant and told me he had a strong urge to push me into the ditch. Why does Jeff love like an elementary school boy?  

He doesn’t know how seriously I take some of his jokes. I often find myself wondering why he sticks around for so many years (a question he often asks out loud in my presence). I am not particularly entertaining, not particularly smart, refuse to learn latin and read the books he forcefully lends me, am less sophisticated and educated  and affectionate than most of his friends, have a problem focusing for an extended period of time (which is the usual length of his many stories)… most of the times when we hang out, half of me is wondering what is he getting out of me that keeps him around for so long???  Then he’d go, hey! pay attention when I am talking to you! 

Whatever it is, I am grateful that he’s stuck around, especially yesterday. I can’t say that I miss Mom a lot. I don’t really know what to miss. Most of my life with her was spent missing her, then when she was really gone… there is very little for me to grasp. I wish I had known her better. I wish I could talk to her now at 26, woman to woman. I wish I could get her opinion on my hair, boys, school… I wish to have her cook for me and I wish to cook for her. I wish so bad that I could get in a bed and snuggle up against her. I wish for her to touch my hair and tell me she’s proud of me and that I am beautiful. I wish to tell her jokes to make her laugh. I wish to get mad at her, have a screaming fight, then apologize in tears. I wish to hear her love story with Dad, from her point of view for a change… 

Whenever I get lonely for her, I remind myself what she has left behind for me. I am grateful that she had chosen Dad. I am out of words grateful that she gave me Sabrina and Anthony. I remind myself of them to remember how beyond this world lucky I am. But  I wish I had her, too. She was such a vivacious woman. Whenever she was around, people gathered around her. She laughed a loud, infectious laugh. She was the eldest sister, too, like me. But unlike me, she was authoritative. People listened to her like they were hypnotized (or maybe it was because she was loud and aggressive and most people were scared of her). She was extremely smart (i’ve been told this by many people), funny, kind hearted, strong, and I think she was quite the romantic as well. 

Whenever I go back to visit Taiwan, they’d comment on how much I look like Mom. But I see more of her in Sabrina than myself. Sabrina’s beautiful blend of strength and vulnerability reminds me so much of her. So much. And her smile. They have the same perfect smile. 

Anyways, that was my post mother’s day lament. It wasn’t so bad this year.