It is amazing what talking to my sister does for my well-being. My weakness calls for her strength and vice versa. When she needs me, it reminds me of what I have to offer. And whenever I am in need, she seems to be the perfect formula to cure whatever dilemma I am in. 

I had some coffee for lunch today. It’s been almost two months since my last cup and I remember the horrific headaches I had trying to quit coffee. But lately I am all about indulgences. I am having the worst week and if I could attain some temporary bliss from a cup of coffee, then coffee it is. 

Awhile ago someone recommended the book, the five love languages, to me. Its basic premise is that there are five ways to express love and each one of us has a primary love language. If your partner, or the people around you, don’t know how to speak your primary love language, then it is hard for you to feel loved by this person. The five love languages are, words of affirmation(praise, kind words, words of encouragement…), gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch. 

I am a little dubious about this whole theory. It makes sense to me and it doesn’t. There seems to be much more to love than acting in loving ways. I know I am good at speaking all five love languages. I never got any of them growing up. Sabrina, Anthony and I learned to express love for each other to survive the years. But just because I act in loving ways, it doesn’t really make me a loving person. I know some times I act loving just because. It is just what I am used to doing, regardless of what I feel like. 

And I seriously doubt that we could genuinely love another if we don’t love ourselves well. This is just what I think. But I want my love for others to be an overflowing love from within. This way, I don’t expect “love” in return. I love because I love. Loving acts are not chips to exchange for another person’s love. 

There are times when I do things for others out of love. This makes me happy and it is important to recognize that I am loving myself as I love others because it makes me happy. Then there are the times when I do things for others because I feel as if I should, because I fear if I don’t, they would leave me. I know this fear is irrational but when I don’t stop and examine it, I act dishonestly. This hurts both me and the other person. 

Many, many years ago, a loved one dated someone who was not a very good partner. She told me once she asked him, if there were a book that would teach him how to make their relationship work, would he read it? He said no. This conversation was burnt into my heart. I was shocked at how little effort he was willing to put in. I thought I could never be with someone like this. But I think I have. In one way or another, I have accepted a lack of effort from the other end. 

It still perplexes me to this day what he meant when he said he had tried so hard. Was I just so blind and numb that his efforts went to waste on my insensitive heart? I am not casting blame. I care about him and wish him the best. And I know I wasn’t ready to have the relationship I want. I just want to make it clear to myself that I could and should expect more from a partner. I felt as if I was in a relationship all on my own, adjusting and readjusting and when I tried to communicate my needs, it created distance. Then I blamed myself for not being able to be content. It all seemed so muddled and messy to me now. 

Both Jeff’s and Jessamin don’t believe that I could stay away from dating. It does feel like I am quitting a vice. I’ll have to say, quitting coffee was much more painful. I am going to learn to be happy without a man and sex…  Jeff said I am one of his more sex crazed friends. Well…. yea.  The thing is, I think sex really has to be shared with someone you love and loves you back. The more you love each other, the better the sex. I think. So I guess what I am saying is, to me, sex is an extension, a reflection of love and intimacy and that’s why I enjoy it so much. Sex in and of itself, without love, is not the same. I could be wrong though. I am sure there are lots of people who enjoy the physical act of it just as much.