I am here and there at once. It is clear to me that I have never felt as safe and content as I do now. I’ve also never been as close to insanity. The quiet moans of cracks stretching drone in my ears. One tap. And it’ll break. I sit in peace and agitation, order and chaos, wisdom and idiocy, acceptance and hate, love and fear, here and nowhere… but it is not a split.

Definitely want to eat an entire moist, rich chocolate cake all to myself with my hands. I forget, I forget all the time to ask myself what I want. And here I am, asking. What do I want? I think chocolate cake is a good start. I also want to dress warmly and sit under a tree in the rain. Watch the sunrise. I want to see sea turtles. want to stay in my body and soak in all kinds of bodily indulgences…

For as long as I could remember I am looking out the window. I’ve been called unfocused, tired, preoccupied, zoned out, rude, boring… and thankfully most of my friends put up with me and my aloof ways. I not only enjoy spacing out, I love looking at other people when they space out. The looks on people’s faces when they do are just gorgeous. There’s no pretense, no self consciousness, no emotions… I know where they are. I go there all the time. It’s a white space of nothingness. It feels like the moment before you drift into a nap. It’s safe and quiet regardless of what is happening in the outside world. All the edges, colors, sounds in the outside world melt into a comforting blur of lullaby. Your heartbeat slows down to an even pace and you enter the space. 

I know I do it too much. I know I use it to detach myself and I do it so much that I don’t do this real world thing very well. I am willing to learn and stay here more often. There’re many things here that are worth staying for. I am trying. 

I am not sure if this is related, I think so… part of me is begging myself to slow down and be still. Just sit. And the other part of me looks like she has just downed five redbulls, pushes me and says, come on! come on!  Part of me says, you need to go out there, be brave, be strong, be confident, be doing something. Then another part of me says, you need to stay in, center yourself, be quiet, be calm, just be. I guess the tricky part is finding the balance between the two.

Niu Niu came over tonight and we watched a movie together (she also brought over the book, he’s just not that into you, which I chose not to take as an insult but it still stung… just a little. Apparently she tried to make her other friend read it and the friend refused to. Perhaps I should teach Niu Niu the art of not offending others… but then again, who am I to talk?). 

It’s funny because after the movie she told me about her friend who is approaching her thirties and panicking about all her friends getting married, which is exactly what I wrote about earlier today! This friend of hers I have met twice. She is beautiful, smart, funny, in great shape, has a great job… again… i just don’t get it. And I would also like to say that it is absolutely unacceptable to even consider marrying someone you no longer want to have sex with. Just don’t. 

Anyways, that is all I am going to say about this for now. I am going to keep my eyes open for happily married people. I love old couples who hold hands… 

And now I am going to find out wether or not he’s just not that into me ;p

People my age are all slowly tying the knot (such an unappealing image by the way. Untying the knot on the other hand…). Christina has attended several weddings and from the looks of it, I will be a brides maid soon enough for her. It is funny when I told her that A is getting married, the first thing she asked me was, how is J feeling about that? As if the marriage of one friend within a group should induce fear and anxiety for the rest of the group. Apparently it does. In a friendly email exchange, after inquiring how my friend was doing, she told me she was intimidated by the engagements of her friends. Maybe my biological clock is horribly retarded, or maybe I just have the gloomiest idea of marriage, I just don’t get it.

I care about the connections i have with people and I have many meaningful connections, especially the one I share with sabrina. My soul is rarely hungry. But when I picture a married life, somehow what I see is two lonely people who sleep in the same bed, eat together and have very little to talk about. Yea, I know, super gloom. Maybe I’ve just seen too many unhappily married couples. I could just see the loneliness oozing out of their eyes and every pore on their skin… every bit of their being seems to be screaming, I want to be touched, seen, heard, smelt, known and loved! 

I am not completely cynical. I do believe in love. It just looks different from what I picture for a marriage. Ultimately, there should be lots of space in love to grow, to have other connections with people, to be vulnerable and strong, to be together and alone… I am not sure I know exactly what it is yet… and I do think I will get married eventually, maybe even a couple of times because you know, i am a hopeful person. But marriage at the moment, is unappetizing to me and I am grateful that I don’t have one of those ticking clocks in my head and break out in cold sweats when my friends announce they are getting married… well maybe i do, but only because I worry for them ;p