I am.

Emerging

… All growth comes with a shock. When a sprout breaks its casing and forces its way to the surface of the earth, it is the climax to a long and deep accumulation of life force. We may think that it came up Suddenly, but in actuality, it emerged as the product of unseen and subtle cycles.
When the seedling appears, it carries with it the complete pattern for its growth, perhaps even the makings of an enormous tree. Although time and the right conditions are necessary, neither of those factors adds anything to the inherent nature of the seedling. It completely embodies its destiny. Therefore, the growth and character of the plant-and its very life-are all present at the moment of emerging…

This is how I was brought up. I was brought up to believe in hard work, in trying your hardest, in no pain, no gain, in perseverance, in straining, sweating and jaws so tight the veins on your forehead bulge. I expect everything to be hard. And I am tired of this. It is completely draining and life prohibiting. My hands are tied. It all seems too hard. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. God knows how many times I’ve said this to myself. It has become a mantra, a self fulfilling prophecy, a curse. For everything I try to take on, I hear Dad’s voice in my head, give it all you’ve got, practice a thousand times and more, push till you’ve got nothing left and the image of him grunting in the gym makes my knees go weak. I can’t do it. I can’t. And frankly, I don’t want to. 

I want to learn and there are so many things I’d love to try but I am too scared to try them because, honestly, how many things could I give it all I’ve got? My heart is beating fast even as I write this. There has to be a middle ground somewhere between no effort at all and giving it my all. I don’t want to believe that everything is out of my reach. 

The last time I saw Patricia I told her my fears for school. And she told me I am a talented writer and that I should stop expecting it to be hard. Then it dawned on me that I expect everything to be hard. I have been shying away from trying much because of my belief of the discrepancy between my capability and the difficulties of things. 

I am an adult now and I am going to let go of these old messages. They may have worked for dad, grandpa and many other people but they don’t work for me. I know I am smart, or at least, not dumber than most people and yet I have accomplished so little. From now on I am going to believe that things are easy and that I am more than capable of learning them and becoming good at them. 

I want my sense of wonder and curiosity back. I will get my hands dirty, and my feet wet. And I promise I’ll still have time to look idly out the window, take long baths, read trash magazines, chat on the phone, and stare at my fish.