This is not going to be about parties, booze, a countdown with hundreds of people, it is my new years eve after all. Part of me did wonder if I should be part of a bigger celebration, but the wiser part of me shook her head, and I have learned to listen to her more often. 

I had a great new years eve though. It doesn’t take much for this pathetic heart of mine to swell with joy and gratitude, in fact, I often worry it may explode due to too much stimulation. I am very much like an old lady when it comes to excitement… Anyways, back to new years eve. I was with the family. I played the guitar and sang with Sabrina for awhile until I got fed up with myself and we called Dad upstairs to show us how the pros do it. He was both excited and annoyed. He hasn’t played for many, many years, his fingers were soft and stiff.

I think part of him feared not being good at it. My dad, I am so proud of him. He has taught thousands of people guitar, performed in pubs, played outside Mama’s dorm when she was in university to woo her, played for us when we were kids and instilled a love for music in the deepest part of my soul… Guitar was an inseparable part of Dad’s identity. When we were poor, it was one of our favorite things to do together. Dad’d  make up kids’ songs for us and we’d sing along with him. But he hasn’t played for years. Come to think of it, I am not sure if Fion even knows he plays. 

Last night he came in my room and was surprised to find his old guitar book sitting on my music stand. He played page after page with his stiff fingers and soft finger tips, complained about the pain with the biggest smile on his face. We came across a song he wrote and he casually said, “I wrote it for your mom.” And silently we read the lyrics together and missed her. I was grateful that there’s evidence of my parents’ love.  However short lived it was, I saw that once upon a time it was perfect. 

Then Sabrina, Anthony and I took a drive down Stanley Park. Anthony tried to blow smoke on my face, Nina sat with her legs up in the back seat. I tried to sense something different in the air, some collective excitement from the world over new years… nope. Stanley Park was quiet. The Lion’s Gate Bridge looked bigger than usual and somewhat magical.

I love my life, and am grateful I could say that. Happy New Years, I hope 2009 brings much growth, learning, connection, and magic for all.