Months ago Tommy told me about his piano concert and I promised I’d go. I had missed the one last year this time being swarmed with paper and finals, but I got to go this year. I believe this is Tommy’s third performance that I got to enjoy. The first one was in a church in Surrey. We were both still in High School. The second one he performed in UBC three years ago. I had gone with Jeff. I remembered the cherry blossoms that covered the sky and paved the road. I asked Jeff, wouldn’t it be interesting if a penguin wobbled out to the middle of the road? We chatted with Tommy before he started and I gave him the ticket from his first performance that I had glued to my journal. Jeff and I sat close to the front. Later, Tommy told me that seeing my smile made him feel at ease up on the stage. 

But Tommy and I don’t see each other often. We may meet up once every few months but we have gone for years without talking to each other. He’s always got a special place in my heart no matter what.

Soon after watching his concert three years ago, Jeff and I fell apart. The memory of that day became bitter sweet, a distant time when we sat on the dark wood bench together, listened to the same music and got to chat about it as we drove under the pink cherry blossoms and joked about the wobbling penguin. 

Over the past three years, I’d think about contacting him, then I’d put it off. I blamed him for our parting. And I was with someone. I had to be considerate of my partner’s feelings. I doubt anyone I date would be comfortable with our connection. I doubt anyone I date would know and appreciate me more than him. No, I didn’t think it was a good idea to contact him. 

But it was never over between us. He was always there and I suspected vice versa. When I finally contacted him and we met up again, I told him I have been lonely, he nodded and said he felt the same. There’s not another person in this world that knows my soul the way he does. I don’t mean to say he knows me better than my family, but there’s this part of me that only he knows and I know he loves me for it. He always half jokingly says how he must’ve offended some gods in his previous lives to be cursed with me. There’s probably more truth than joke in that one. I wonder if he feels the same, that there are parts of his soul that only I know. Regardless, we were both lonely without one another. 

No one in my life understands my need for him. The issues that drove us apart three years ago still present and seemingly unsolvable. His friends and my people from both ends are all urging us to leave each other alone again… but I can’t. I know our history is questionable, the present is difficult and our future probably bears a lot more fights, and tears, but he’s worth it. He urges and insists on his own growth and my growth. He is infinitely interesting, witty, intelligent, wise, and kind (although this kindness is hard to detect as it is WAY hidden). He sees me in my full potential as I am right now. He throws books at me and gets on my back for not reading. He says, “You read your books/learn your latin/do your homework/stop biting your nails/are beautiful/are annoying… young lady!” He loves music, literature, art ferociously and his desire to create is beyond endearing. I know he’s done me wrong, as I have him, but I am not giving up on us again. 

Today he accompanied me to Tommy’s concert again. I picked him up at ten. He showed me his new suit and the blue tie I bought for his birthday. “Dashing!” I said, “I wonder why God bothered giving you a brain.” He laughed. We got to the church thirty minutes before the concert started and sat up front again because we both wanted to watch Tommy’s hands at work. Tommy came on stage with a shy smile and did what he does best. I was again moved to tears by him.

Three years ago I sat with Jeff listening to Tommy, and again today, I got to share this experience with him. I feel that we have come full circle. And I am confident this time we won’t lose each other again.