I was at home one afternoon four months ago when Christina called to tell me he was killed. When was the last time I saw him? I think in Superstore, or was it in continental plaza? I had just saw the new pictures he posted up on facebook. He was tan and had a teeth-showing smile on, very much here, and alive, more so than most people, more so than me. His faces were everywhere throughout the years after highschool. He was on TV, interviewed in magazines, in commercials… I was sure one day, the only way to see him would be in his concerts and movies. 

I was depressed after the news. And it was hard to justify my depression because we were never friends. I was just one of the many girls in highschool who was in love with him. I am sure we each have our little Aaron stories to tell. I don’t have much to tell. Here it is anyways.

It was the first day of  CAPP class. Ms. Panas made us play games to get to know each other and one of them was to line up according to our birthdays, but we had to figure this out silently. It would’ve been an enjoyable game for me because I didn’t speak much English back then, but I had come to believe this inability extended to everything else I did, so I was timid and nothing much was enjoyable. I stood in midst of people laughing, nudging and pushing each other and wished for the game to be over so I could sit back down in the corner. And then he looked at me, somehow we figured out that his birthday was right after mine so he stood next to me. It was the first time I felt calm that day. 

He was tall and stood so straight, there was an integrity in his stance. I didn’t know it then, but soon and for the next two years I’d be always looking for him in the crowded highschool hallways. I didn’t realize that he was exceptionally handsome at first. After the first day of class I fell back into my own blinding anxiety of the world and didn’t see him again till we were put in a small group. It was a group of three. The other girl in the group grew impatient of me right away. I couldn’t blame her. I couldn’t even understand the question we were working on. I sat in front of Aaron with an apologetic look on my face and wished I could be excused from participating in anything at all from now on. He stood up and walked away. Just as I was about to retreat further into myself, he came back with a thick, old dictionary, plopped it on the desk and started going through each word I didn’t understand with me. I will never forget his kindness.

We were to bring food for the last day of class. Ching was nice enough to bake egg tarts for me to bring to school. It is a popular dim sum dessert that everybody loves, or so I thought. The egg tarts I brought sat on the desk with the chips and pop looking just as out of place as I had felt. One boy looked at them and said, ewwww. I sat alone watching the table of food, feeling bad for the untouched egg tarts. Then Aaron grabbed one and ate it. Then he ate another one, and another one. And with his mouth stuffed with egg tarts, he said to someone standing beside him, this is really good. 

Girls loved him. He was tall and handsome,  a Tai Kwan Do black belt, a basketball player… like a character from a teen romance novel. But I secretly took pride in loving him for a different reason. Then I graduated highschool and saw him less. I always ran into him in superstore, parker place, aberdeen, continental plaza though… He had grown up and became a manlier, more polished version of himself, but I could still see the kid with egg tarts stuffed in his mouth in him. 

Yesterday my family and I went to Parker Place for lunch. It was a frequent hang out place for him and it made me sad again to be there and sense how different the place was. Words are really beyond useless when it comes to death. Such loss is indescribable, and incomprehensible. I write now to remember him, however trivial my piece with him is, it is significant to me. And the loss of him will remain with me always.

It is good to have Sabrina home. Jessamin comes over to hang out and all of a sudden it is like when we were all in high school again. The three of us used to hang out together all the time. I was more of a tom boy back then, a chubby, awkward looking girl. In winters I was inseparable with my large jacket. It hid my body nicely. In summers I wore a huge sweat shirt. Again, the extra fabrics draped over me like a layer of protection. I never worn a tank top. Sabrina and Jessamin wore tube tops and talked about boys who went after them. I must’ve been jealous, but what I remember more clearly is the invisible wall that separated us. They entering into womanhood, and I, still on the other side, stumbling and searching for the entrance. 

Regardless of our differences, we shared a strong bond and endless laughters and giggles over bubble tea, sleep overs at jess’ house, late nights in stanley park, walks in parker place and the old aberdeen… then we each entered our first serious relationship, then second and third… and we spent less time together as a girlie trio. 

This Christmas marks the very first time in ten years that the three of us are single at the same time. We spent the christmas morning together. I picked up the guitar again and was sitting in my room singing Jack Johnson’s Better Together, Nina and Jess were sitting on my bed chatting about their impressive and not so impressive dates. Outside, the world was covered in snow, all the rough edges smoothed over by the white flakes. It was a really, really good morning.

I’ve been in such a great mood since last night. I got to read  in bed. Nina came in and we chatted about boys. When I was reading last night, an overwhelming sense of joy washed over me, so I texted Mark and told him I am grateful for him. I talk about him so much here. I just feel really safe with him and I know he  always receives me well. Our friendship is so wholesome and I believe the appreciation is mutual. Love Mark.

This morning I woke up at 7, meditated for an hour, had breakfast and now I am sitting back in my blanket, listening to french acoustic music, nina’s journaling on my bed, jeff’s talking to me on msn from toronto… what more could i ask for on this christmas morning?

We are staying in today. Jess will come over and we’ll watch movies together. I am excited