I’ve been sick for almost a week now and even though I am getting better, I still feel weak and easily tired. School has started for almost a month. I’ll have to admit, the first few weeks seemed almost overwhelming to me, but now I feel like I am back in the groove of it. I know where I sit now, and who I sit with. I know who talks a lot in class and who sits quietly by the corner until the teacher speaks to her. I know which teacher likes me, and which teacher still doesn’t remember my name. I am surprised to find the amount of freedom and trust I get from the teachers as a third year student. It isn’t until now that I realize I was still being treated like a child the previous few years of my college life.

Have been single for over a month now. It is a funny transition for me. The space that opens up to me is unbelievable. All of a sudden I could invite so many things and people into my life. I know the space was not taken away from me when I was in a relationship. I willingly handed it over. Even though I did so almost consciously, I think I didn’t know what I was giving away. 

The thing about being with someone for so long is that, you let him become your crutch in life. You really don’t need to risk anything outside of the comfort of your safe, little love net. And although the net catches you and cradles you when you fall, it also traps you and wraps around you until all you could do is grow fat and breath out the words, “I love you, too.” 

I am not saying all relationships are like that. I am saying when I, Ms. low self-esteem, get in a relationship, it tends to end up like that. 

I have been alone, ok, poor choice of word, single, for over a month now. There are times when I wake up in the morning to look to the side of my bed and wonder which life time it has been that I had had someone lying beside me. The notion of sharing my bed again scares me. It is now too small to be occupied by two. I am used to the space that has become available to me and I am reluctant to share it. 

With that said, there is a loneliness to being alone( not a poor choice of word here). My body is lonely. And I am never really able to separate my body with my soul. My skin is lonely. My hands are lonely. My hair is lonely. My lips are lonely… I was never touched much as a child, no hugs, no kisses, no gentle squeezing of my cheeks, not even little pats on my head. And now I feel as if I am that touch-deprived kid again. I have impulses to hold people’s hands, and I linger too long when I hug… 

Well, I am glad I just made myself sound desperate. It really is not the case though (at least half of the time it isn’t ). I am enjoying drawing all my focuses back into myself. I am happier. As I unwrap myself from the mess we got each other in, I know I am setting him free, too. 

My cold is almost over. It is raining outside. Maybe a bath tonight?  I am really doing fine lately.