I went to bikram yoga this morning. I wanted my mind focused on something less painful. I performed each posture as best as I could. Sometimes my mind slipped and I had to regain balance. Yoga is good, it forces you to focus and you can’t afford to think about anything. 

I got home and ate something. Talked to Nina on MSN for awhile. Talking to Nina is good, because she’s fun and fun is good. My sweat dried and I started feeling cold. I gotta go, she said. But I was still scared, so I went on the treadmill to walk. But walking was too easy, I started thinking again. So I ran. I ran really really hard so that I was panting. I wanted to drown my head. 

I sat down drenched in sweat. “Don’t you think you are over doing it today?” Dad asked. “Yea, I know. But I am sad. I gotta keep my mind busy.” I looked at him and he nodded. I could feel, so concretely, the endorphin in my brain. It was good for awhile.

It is undeniable. I am sad. 

Sadness is a passing emotion just like happiness. I know. But I am sad right now. And I know I will be sad for awhile longer. I wish I am a crier. But my emotional system is… kind of stupid. It shuts itself down until all I feel is numbness and then I over-eat, or exercise, or start being a bitch, or just ignore everyone and shut myself in my room… I feel an ocean of tears right up here in my chest, by my throat… why can’t I just cry?

I am, sitting in front of my black macintosh laptop, wearing my black tank top and a pair of black leggings, listening to Jack Johnson. My mood at this moment is not representative to who I am lately. I am tired, still trying to adjust to jet lag. My body feels limp from cleaning my closet. It is an operation, if you know me you’d know this to be true. A few hours ago I was talking to Sabrina on msn, crying because I miss her and because I feel so grateful for my life. Now my heart is barely beating, I need rest.

Kelvin and I had just broken up, amiably. I know a lot of people don’t understand why we broke up, just like how I don’t understand why a lot of people stay together… but it’s okay. I don’t need the world to approve of me, just the significant few, like, myself for example. What else do I want to say about the split? who really cares anyways… I will always love him, let me leave it there.

I’ve realized so many things on this trip to Xin Jiang. The meditation retreat was the perfect precursor and then being on the trip, I felt like I was welding everything I’ve learned into life. I am talking so abstract, my crwr teacher would be outraged ;p 

This is me now. I no longer feel the need to accomplish, to prove anything, or to be better than anyone. What I want is to be a good person, a loving, compassionate, kind person from this moment to the next. I may not make lots of money, may not leave a legacy behind but that’s not important to me anymore. And you know what? I am what I want to be already. The realization of this is so relieving… I can finally breath.

I sat in a pavilion one hot summer afternoon listening to the wind. A duck sat on the grass in front of me with half its body in the bush. It looked at me, squinting, trying to keep its eyes open but they closed anyways in the intoxicating warm air… at that moment I was the duck, the pavilion, the wind, the grass, the hot cement ground and the shadows wavering on it…