Leaving Midnight

Last post for two months. WordPress is not allowed in China.

I copied this down a long time ago forgetting to write down the writer’s name… here it is…

You are good when you are fully awake in your speech
yet you are not evil when you sleep while
your tongue staggers without purpose.
And even stumbling speech may strengthen a weak tongue.

You are good when you walk to your goal firmly and with bold steps,
yet you are not evil when you go thither limping.
Even those who limp go not backward.
But you who are strong and swift, see that you do not limp before the lame,
deeming it kindness.

You are good in countless ways, and you
are not evil when you are not good,
you are only loitering and sluggard.
Pity that the stags cannot teach swiftness to the turtles.

In your longing for your giant self lies
your goodness: and that longing is in all of you.
But in some of you that longing is a torrent rushing what might to the sea,
carrying the secrets of the hillsides and the songs of the forest.
And in others it is a flat stream that loses itself in angles
and bends and lingers before it reaches the shore.
But let not him who longs much say to him who longs little,
“wherefore are you slow and halting?”
For the truly good ask not the naked, “where is your garment?”
nor the houseless, “where has befallen your house?”

Be back in two months :) much, much love.

booooo..

I am having a trying day… yes, present progressive (oh jeff, you should be so proud that I named the verb tense for my sentence). Have tried to unpack and now my room looks like the mall has exploded on it. I have bags, shoes, clothes hanging and lying around in a very aftermath-of-the-war kind of manner. Then I’ve got wine glasses used from different days here and there, a red wine stain on the carpet that looks like a dancing bunny, and a cup of soy milk that is more soy yogurt by now. 

I woke up to a heavy email. Being the narcissist I am, I took it personally and replied in defense. Anger is a tricky emotion for me… at times when people think I should be angry, I can’t assess it, then it randomly  pops up and embarrasses me. Regardless, I know i wasn’t really replying to the email, I was replying from my inner critic and guilt. I am sorry, and I am sure I’ll continue to make lots of mistakes, treat people unjustly and be thick and unloving… but know that I really do want to be loving, fair and good. 

Then I saw Patricia and got therapeutically spanked. 

anyways, it’s getting late, i am exhausted. It took a few hours before I could finish this blog and I can now say, that I was having a trying day… (past progressive, jeff!!!!) I am happier now : )

sigh..

confront me confront me
it is what i ask for
confront me when i am in a stupor
confront me when i am weak,
blinded, careless, teeth-showingly defensive, closed…
and confront me when I am not
confronting myself,
confront me when i ask you to
stop.
confront me even if it hurts.
don’t leave me to me.

mmm…

heart

heart

when I think about how much love I alone have to offer… endlessly, abundantly, overwhelmingly tender, and strong… I am confident that there’s no such thing as a lack of love… it has become clear to me that, love is the most abundant source of energies in the universe… and fear dissipates in love… then this moment of clarity will pass… after all, suffering is one of the cardinal rules of life… but with every suffering comes the opportunity for us to be more accepting, and loving… so… really… we are covered : )

mm..

in the sun

in the sun

between love and fear
I choose Love…
and I’ll choose You…
over and over again…

Night Alone

Sabrina is not coming home tonight… so I am here, walking around naked, and blogging…

A few nights ago I dreamt of a whale. I sometimes do and always love it. It was night time in this dream. I was on a bridge across an ocean. It was dark and windy and underneath the bridge, a huge whale in the night ocean. It jumped under the bridge making giant waves in the sea. The bridge swung and I held onto to a pole. I could slowly walk across. I knew I had the option, but I didn’t. I held onto the pole and stayed on the bridge watching the whale jump again and again. Any second I could be thrown into the ocean, but I didn’t want to leave. I felt small in the presence of the whale… and the feeling of not having any control both scared and exhilarated me. 

I haven’t felt so present in awhile… today I was in my own skin… my body contained me. The heat helped. My pores rejoiced in the hot air. I could feel the small beads of sweat on my nose, behind my neck, falling down between my breasts… i was born in the summer heat… and in this heat, i feel most at home…

photo updates

I uploaded most of these on facebook already… but i know somebody doesn’t have facebook… and somebody probably misses me more than anyone on facebook… : P so here they are~

nina and moi

nina and moi

the vegan cookie i've been raving about

the vegan cookie i've been raving about

but oh so cute, says I!

outside nina's house

cooking

while i wait for the eggplants to cook, i could sit down for a bit and write something.

it’s been gloriously sunny for the past two days. It is beautiful here with the sun out. There are so many trees, old trees that have been around for many, many years. Sabrina’s place is surrounded by them and outside every window are leaves swaying, touching each other. 

We took a bus to harvard square today and on our walk back, the little leaves skittered on the ground, making sounds like a rain stick and leaves were rustling… inside the house all the curtains were dancing… never was there a noisier quiet summer day… 

we have been cooking everyday. We do the grocery shopping, prepping, cooking and eating together, sometimes talking, sometimes in silence… 

The eggplant dish is bubbling, cooking slowly. We are going to eat it tonight, then freeze it for her to have some food to come home to after the trip.

learning…

To free ourselves from our neurotic ego is ultimately to accept the conditions of existence and to see ourselves not as victims or opponents of the givens of reality, but as adults who face up to them honestly. These givens include the following: things change and end; life is not always fair; we pay for growth with suffering; things do not always go according to plans; people are not always loyal or loving. Accepting the conditions of existence means first of all admitting our vulnerability to them. To let go of the entitlement to an exemption is thus to be ready for love.

When we realize that the givens of life no matter how ferocious, are not penalties but ingredients of depth, lovability, and character, we can let go of the belief that we are immune (or need to be). “That can’t happen to me” or “How dare they do that to me!” change to “Anything human can happen to me, and I will do my best to handle it.” The strength to handle challenges, in fact, is directly proportional to how much we let go of entitlement.

…. The call to say the unconditional yes shows that spirituality is not about transcendence of the world but deeper involvement in it. -Richo

Boston, night 4

On the second night of my arrival here in Boston, Sabrina threw a party for people from her cohort. She made cookies, mini burgers, mojitos, I made pasta and a salad. We put out chips and had lots of red wine. I have never really liked parties much. I like people, but only in small dosages. But this party I enjoyed very much.

We sat in a circle eating, drinking and chatting. There were three guys and seven girls. We talked about strip clubs (I do not like it because I don’t like the idea of someone actively paying to objectify a human being into nothing but a sex object. Another girl didn’t like it because she doesn’t want her boyfriend staring at other girls’ tits). Then we talked about wether or not we are okay with our partners fantasizing another person during sex. One guy brought up the fact that even when we think of our own partner during sex, it is often a somewhat idealized, fantasized version of this person. 

I don’t really fantasize about anybody during sex. I usually enjoy it so much that it is one of the only few moments in my life where my mind could take a rest. But I do agree that we tend to have an obscured view of our partner. In the romance stage of a relationship, we idealize the other person. The euphoria of a romance is so addictive and blinding, it keeps us from seeing the other person as who they really are. Could love really take place here if we are not really seeing each other?  When we say love here, we really mean lust…

We love the feeling inspired by each other, but not really each other. When you find me intolerable, bitchy, cranky, whiny and sometimes extremely selfish… and you remember me lovable, sweet, funny, beautiful, wise and kind, and love me anyways, maybe then you do really love me. Vice versa of course. I don’t care for substance-less love. I want something real. I want to see you as the human being you are, full of flaws and still lovable as hell… 

After a heated conversation about sex in the city, where one guy enlightened the rest of the group that Carrie is, in fact, the most boring character of the show, we went around the circle sharing our embarrassing sex stories… this is what happens… when you get a bunch of 20 something year olds together, you inevitably end up talking about sex, harvard students or not. I had forgotten about mine, but, hey, what’s a sister for? Sabrina remembered and shared it with the group. No, i am not going to share it here… but jeff… you know this one… : P

I really enjoyed the night. I especially enjoyed how impassioned they were when they argued with each other. I find it most educating as I have the tendency to keep my mouth shut and not express my contradicting opinions. 

Mm.. it’s getting late. I should head to bed. I miss vancouver.

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